Strange Things Started Happening

And Then This Happened....

I was heading to the restroom to clean my dishes because my office doesn't have a sink and employees are forced to rinse their bowls and coffee mugs in the bathroom, often in the proximity of active pooing. On my way there, I see Bat Lady, who is a persnickety character in my office and has the most acute sense of smell. She was trying to communicate with the janitor and his weak grasp of the English language.

Bat Lady: (flapping her arms in the air) I need a room spray. Something to get rid of a smell, a bad smell.

Janitor: (holding out toilet paper, which he has in his hand) Oh, paper?

Bat Lady: (waving hand back and forth in front of nose) No, no, no. Stink, stink. Pew, pew! In the bathroom. I need to use--

Janitor: I clean. I just clean.

Bat Lady: I need to use the bathroom and there is a not good smell and it is making me sick. Me sick. From bad smell. Need room spray. (mimics holding can of Lysol and sprays around in the air) Ppssshhhhhhhhhhhhh, ppshshsshshshshshssshhh!

Janitor: ????

(Bat Lady swats her hand in the air at the janitor as she feels like he's failed her. She walks away to another bathroom and the janitor shakes his head and gives me a 'isn't she crazy' look.)

BLACKOUT

Hillary Tucks Again!

Hillary Tucker, or "Billary Tucks"as I like to call her, is the loyal, poorly executed woman (tranny) alumna who is a tireless fan of the events planned through my work (at Cal State College). Nearly every function she attends is as far off her demographic mark (Sports Dinner, Retired Faculty Breakfast, Parent's Day, etc.) as her ill-fitting wig is on her scalp. I never tire of the amusement that comes from our interactions and though this past weekend was nothing spectacular, it was noteworthy none the less.

On Saturday, we had a campus-wide event that included reunions, mixers, seminars and a luncheon to bring it all together. The 400 guests at the luncheon included local TV personalities, the university president, alumni, many from 1959 and before, and Billary Tucks. Billary arrived very early, dressed to the nine in her hip-hugging, floral-print, lace-trimmed, early 90's skirt paired with a pilled and faded, chunky and saggy black-knit sweater. She completed her outfit with her trademark ratted, shoulder-length black bobbed wig, pulled back on her generous forehead. She also had a new accessory that delighted me all afternoon: a detective-style magnifying glass.

I managed the check-in table at the luncheon and as Billary arrived, whether I just wanted to protect her from others' judgement or simply wanted all the fodder for myself, I rushed out to greet her.

Me: Hello! Hillary, right?

Hillary: (holding the magnifying glass up to my face to see me) Yes, yes, my name is Hillary. Who are you?

Me: I'm Ryan Jones, we've emailed a little bit over the past few weeks about the emeriti breakfast that was this morning.

Hillary: Oh. That was you? Can I get my money back? I didn't go to it. You said I couldn't.

Me: Yes, well, it was for retired faculty only and I already refunded your payment. It should be in your account by now.

Hillary: I didn't see it.

Me: Well, I'll look into it. Check your records again and if you still don't see the refund posted by Monday then--

Hillary: (pointing to dining area) Is this where we gonna eat?

Me: (walking her to the name tag area) Yes, you can get your name tag right here and here's a luncheon program and you can--

Hillary: I paid for this luncheon.

Me: Yes, I know. The luncheon is open to any alumni and you paid. That's correct. (Hillary takes her magnifying glass and peers closely through it at her program.) So you can go ahead and have a seat at any of the unreserved tables.

Hillary: I can sit down now?

Me: Yes. Well, any table that is not reserved. There are reserved signs on the tables in the front (pointing out reserved tables) but you can sit at any of the others.

(Hillary walks off without saying anything and goes straight for the president's table clearly marked 'reserved,' directly in front of the stage. I run over to intervene.)

Me: Hillary, hi. You know this table here is reserved for the president but if you want to sit--

Hillary: Obama?

Me: Huh? No, no, the university president.

Hillary: I want to sit here. I can't see good.

Me: Well, there are other tables not reserved that are here and over there that you are welcome to--.

Hillary: Where?

Me: I'm happy to take you to them.

(Hillary gets up without responding to me and goes and sits at another table adjacent to the one she just came from, also marked 'reserved.' I go up and talk to her again.)

Me: So sorry, this one is also reserved.

Hillary: (getting frustrated) Well, which ones can I sit at?

Me: (pointing to table tents in front of plates) See these signs? They say reserved and they're only at this table and that one and that one over there. There are 24 other tables available.

Hillary: I just want to eat.

Me: They should be serving food in about 45 minutes.

Hillary: I want the chicken.

Me: I'll be sure you get it.

(Hillary gets up in a huff and finally lands on an unreserved table, far, far from me.)

BLACKOUT

Check Your Oil

Leanor has been having troubles, car troubles.

Leanor: Hey Mister, can I tell you something? Did you know there's more than one oil your car?

Me: You mean more than just motor oil? Yeah, there's like three or something, I think.

Leanor: (poking me in the chest) Exactly right! I didn't know. I. Had. No. Idea! I've been driving for years and no one ever told me.

Me: Yep, it's true.

Leanor: Now let's see...there's, uh, um, let's see....there's motor oil, and then there's....

Me: Transmiss--

Leanor: (excitedly) Transmission oil and, and, and...one more. Now let me think...

Me: Brake fluid?

Leanor: You mean brake oil.

Me: Sure, it's a lubricant. Anything to keep the gears moving.

Leanor: Well, I have never once checked the oil in my baby car and I am just now getting trouble with it. Why would everyone keep car oil a secret from everyone else? I just never knew and have never once heard of it. Not once!

Me: I don't know. Just be sure to always check your oil and tires and belts--

Leanor: Tires! Why do you have to check your tires? Do they have oil in them?

Me: No, just air.

Leanor: Oh, yes. That's right. I thought, dios, I have to check the oil in my tires? Wouldn't that just be a kick? It sure would.

BLACKOUT

Stop Using Dirty Catheters!

gross...

No Manners

Today I had to accompany my boss, two ladies and some other unmemorable movers and shakers from the office for a work-lunch meeting to discuss money. I'm not sure why I was asked along but because I don't really do any negotiating of funds, for me, this work-lunch just meant sitting up straight and paying attention to the table conversation. Done and done.

Then our food came and this happened...

Lady-1: Oooo, what'd you get? That looks good.

Lady-2: I got a BLT with salad, but it doesn't really look like a BLT.

Me: That's because there's some "A" in it.

Boss: Ass?

Me: Avocado.

BLACKOUT

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There's a He-Wolf in My Closet