Sunday, August 30, 2009

My Dad's Anus

I was home at my parent's house this weekend and this morning was teaching my mother how to load pictures and save them on the computer.

Me: ...no, click here....now drag...no, don't let go of the mouse...left click...now hold the button and drag and drag and drag that up to the folder you just created in the column on the left...no, not that one, the one you just created...now let go of the mouse...no, you don't have to take your hand completely off the mouse, just off the button. There you go. Good!

(My dad walks in and shows me an email he printed out with pictures on it. I look closely at the images.)

Dad: Hey, Ry, have you seen my rectum?

Me: (recoiling) Ew! It looks like pickled lycee. Why are you showing me that? Gross, Dad!

Dad: I got this email from my doctor. It's the inside of my rectum from my rectal exam.

Me: I don't want to see it.

Dad: He said I passed my colon-cos-cu-pie.

Mom: (barely paying attention) Scope, scope, scope! You had a scope up your colon! You had a colonoscopy. Not, cos-cu-pie. Now, Ryan, what if I want to copy these pictures to an email, and send them to...

BLACKOUT

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cat Massage!



Okay, stop. My head almost blew up!
Too much to quote:

If this woman ever did a how-to (cat) bestiality version of this video, she wouldn't have to edit much copy:

Most people will go mid-back. Eh!

Good for you! Use two hands to double your pleasure and double your fun!

Relax, you have the best teacher available...your cat.

What may seem excruciatingly slow to us, is so appropriate to felines.

We touch all the time, so why not be the best at it?

Caution, if your kitty doesn't like her fur to stir, she may tell you to shuffle out the door.

A whisker watch alert is in effect here!

Is your cat a talker? If yes, cat massage may bring out his best mega-meow moments.

Remember, we can't fool drool.

Drumroll Please!

On Sunday, Jon and I were at the farmer's market, drinking coffee and people watching. Jon pointed out a young mother breast feeding her baby and started to reflect.

Jon: Have you ever seen a lady's boob when she's breast feeding?

Me: Yes! Their nipples are like saucers. (I make a gesture with my hands that looks like a saucer.) Excuse me, I mean their aureoles look like saucers. Their nipples look like engorged gumdrops.

Jon: (laughing) That's gross. But correct. Meadow [Jon's friend] just started breast feeding when I was out visiting. I guess I never realized that she hadn't breast fed before and it seemed like she was embarrassed about the stigma of breast feeding in public--not really feeling uncomfortable about do it, but doing it in public because of every one's strange reactions.

Me: Oh, really. I guess I just don't think about it that much.

Jon: We went to a restaurant with Lily [Meadow's newborn] and Meadow asked if we could be seated somewhere in the corner because she had to breast feed. The reaction from the hostesses was so panicked. They didn't know what to do. I mean, I don't think Meadow really cares all that much, but being her first time really breast feeding, I guess it takes a little getting used to in public. She didn't want to draw any extra attention to herself. But, you know, in the end Meadow is like, 'Fuck it, I have to feed my kid.'

Me: My sister, after five kids, or even after one kid, I guess, never seemed to care. Her boob was out all the time. She was a militant breast-feeder, almost like she wanted people to know what she was up to--'Hey, ya'll! I've got a kid on my boobie!' Is that normal?

Jon: No. Your sister just needed a drum roll to nurse.

BLACKOUT

Monday, August 10, 2009

Kelley Gots Mareweed!

My amazing friend Kelley married Joe Durdella this weekend in a classy and charming backyard wedding in Danville. Everything was so thought out and put together, setting the mood for a really lovely evening. My friend Allana of Ars Magna Studio took the pictures, which I can't wait to see. The link below is a preview of what's to come. Congratulations K&J!

sneak peek – Kelley & Joe wedding Danville California

ABDC -- Vogue Evolution!

Last night, America's Best Dance Crew featured the extraaa-vaagaaannnazzaaa of Vogue Evolution, a gay (and one trans-woman) dance group from the underground ballrooms of New York City. Just when I think vogueing is tired, I'm sucked back in. Plus, I thought I heard them say they were from the House of Ninja (R.I.P. Willie), which makes me happy. Catch the fever:


Friday, August 7, 2009

Give Me Head

Jonathan walked with me to BART this morning. For a good block, there was a lady speed walking in front of us carrying a purse with battered straps and a head. "It's a head," I said to Jon who kind of snarled after he saw it. She was carrying one of those "practice heads" you would use to perfect your bowl-cuts and spit curls at Beauty School. I wish I'd had a video of her as she walked, carrying the head by its hair. The scene was almost gruesome.

I snapped this picture with my phone as we purchased BART tickets.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I Talk About The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Two years without a television has kept me out of the loop of so many fun and lame "reality" shows like The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I caught the second season premiere last week, which was so catty and insane, I can't help but Jones for tonight's follow-up.

Recap: If you saw the show last week you know that Sheree' and party planner, Anthony, had a near beat down. Don't think less of me for loving this:


I know most everyone (or maybe just people in my circles) has seen this trash. I was so curious about Anthony's response to his actions on last week's airing, I did some digging today and found a letter he'd written. I'd think, having lost his cool on national television, Anthony would be more concerned about the damage he did to his business and career. He is kinda, but he seems more concerned that people think he's a gay. Below is a letter he wrote to Sandra Rose to dispel any rumors:

Hi Sandra,

I am reaching out trying to get the facts straight. First, I am not GAY! Married with children, and love PUSSY.

Second, I was never hired by Sheree or Bravo to do a party. This event was for the Atlanta Music Festival, and the producer’s ask me to modify the event to be included in an episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, entitled Sheree’s Divorce Party.

I also consider myself to be a professional with a long standing resume. But, unless you have work with Sheree or had any dealings with her you wouldn’t understand, where I am coming from.

Thank you,



Anthony


Anthony's letter is inspiring and because I want to one day function on the level of an executive-level party planner, I think it is smart that I employ Anthony's techniques into my own practices of planning events (which is what I do for a living). In fact, I will start TODAY, setting the record straight with every event-related correspondence I write:

To: Mary
From: Ryan
RE: Jack Adams Hall Rental Space

Dear Mary,

Firstly, I want to set the record straight! I love PUSSY and always have. It's the best. I dined on it just last night and have leftovers for today.

But what I'm really interested in knowing is if you're available for a walk through of Burke Hall on the afternoon of August 19th. There seems to be some confusion amongst my team about the room layout.

Please let me know what time works best for you and we'll go from there.

Kind regards,

Ryan Jones
Event Planner & Ardent Fan of Pussy

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Morning News With My Concise Commentary

In 2 months the International Olympic Committee will name the host city of the 2016 Summer Olympics. Below are four of the top designs from four candidate cities.


Chicago's slogan: Let friendship shine
Madrid's slogan: Hola Everyone
Rio's slogan: Live your passion
Tokyo's slogan: Uniting our worlds

Me: Really, Madrid?--Hola Everyone? Good luck with that one.

__________

New Public Service Announcement out of Brazil:


Summary: Save water by peeing in the shower.

Me: Really, Brazil? Way ahead of you. I bathe in the toilet and shit in my shower. Take that!
__________

Introducing Baby Glutton, The Breastfeeding Doll

From Spanish company Berjuan comes Baby Glutton, a doll that allows young girls to simulate breast feeding. Tagline: Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby.

Me: Really, Spain?--Way to promote tween motherhood. No "my first menses" toy, too?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Special Report: Woman Feigns Injury and Steals Attention

SAN FRANCISCO—During a shopping trip to the mall this afternoon, an unidentified 50-year old woman's shriek could be heard throughout the linens department as she carefully tripped and fall to the hard floor, sources inside Macy's of Stonestown reported. Patrons seemed startled by the seemingly staged incident and could barely continue their discounted shopping of Cuisinart kitchenware. "She just slipped out of her Crocs and spilled her pocketbook across the tile," said Ryan Jones, who was having a hard time choosing a wedding gift from a registry. "There were no obstacles, just a level floor." When assistant manager, Daphne Wilkes arrived with a chair moments later, the fallen woman shrugged off all assistance and demanded on speaking with police. "Well, there was a dangerous obstacle there a moment ago," argued the red-faced lady as she nursed a wounded limb that had never touched the ground. Mall security was quick to arrive to try and quiet the colicky woman as she further disrupted patrons by shouting, "I'll sue, I'll sue!" Customers and Macy's employees went about their business and had all but forgotten about the incident moments after it had happened. The 5-foot, no-inch victim is reported to be critical but stable condition.

The Renewed Mind is the Key

Back by (not) popular demand--an amazingly filthy and misogynistic rap act:

...from Stephy