Friday, July 29, 2011

Accused of Smoking Pot

Today I got an email from a woman who helps facilitate our HOA meetings.  This exchange may be a little anticlimactic but for those of you who are interested, here's how things shook down:

Subject: Adams, marijuana smell coming form your unit
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 2011 16:01:42 -0700

Hi Ryan,

There have been numerous reports of marijuana smell coming from your unit, please provide a cancer smoker license or cease smoking marijuana in your unit effective immediately. As you know, smoking is controlled by the city of Oakland. Please contact the City or the police for additional information regarding smoking marijuana in your unit.

Best, Leanne

From: Ryan Jones []
Sent: Wednesday, July 20, 2011 4:49 PM
To: Leanne Axxxxx
Cc: Jonathan Gxxxxxx
Subject: RE: Adams, marijuana smell coming form your unit

Hello Leanne,

Thank you for your message. I am a little taken aback by the tone of your email as it is accusatory and without legs. I can assure you that there has been no pot (or cigarette) smoking in my unit since Jonathan (cc'd) and I have taken residence as of October 2010. In fact, I have an allergy to cigarette smoke and we do not smoke marijuana at all, recreationally or otherwise, in our unit. I have also smelled a similar marijuana odor wafting in through my windows and do not care for it. That said, if curry, for instance, ever becomes illegal and you receive complaints of an odor of that sort emanating from my walls, I will be happy to cease and desist. 

I understand you are the messenger and I want to be mindful and respectful of your role. However, moving forward I would appreciate if you would consult with your sources and gather better facts before pointing fingers. Happy to discuss further.

Kind regards,


Subject: Re: Re: Adams, marijuana smell coming form your unit
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 2011 16:01:42 -0700
CC: Jonathan Gxxxxxx

Sorry Ryan! The unit in question was 205. There was a typo in the communication. I hope I didn’t ruin you day unintentionally.

Best, Leanne

A Week of Doomsday

If you're reading this, Harold Camping is a false prophet.

Saturday, May 21, 2011 was Doomsday, the end of the world, the rapture or the last call as Oakland resident and UC Berkeley graduate Harold Camping, 98, would have you believe. Through an in-depth study of passages from the Bible, Brother Camping, as his followers know (knew?) him, predicted the demise of earth and salvation of Christians. For months Family Radio, Camping's pulpit, warned people to repent and to come to Jesus before it was too late, resulting in some followers quitting their jobs to do what they believed was God's work while other wiseguys (moi) sat on the sideline cracking jokes and waiting to see how this whole thing unfolded.

I devoted a week's worth of Facebook updates to a Judgment Day theme (which also happened to be the week of finals and a commencement ceremony at the university in which I work). Here goes:

Between commencement ceremonies and the rapture, this week is going to be pure hell.

(guy in my office) "Every day is judgment day for me. Did you see that pin Margaret was wearing? Gag."

Rapture diet this week: (breakfast) Ben & Jerry's Phish Food (lunch) mac/cheese w/ bacon and Ruffles Cheddar crumble (2nd lunch) jellybeans and Oreo's with milk (dinner) yogurt covered pretzels and a salt lick (dessert) cookie and cream sundae with caramel sauce

The only reason I'm allowing myself to get sucked up in this end-of-days stuff is because Amazing Race: Unfinished Business wrapped this past Sunday. #freetimeisabitch

Does anyone know where I can get a pirated copy of The Hangover 2? I don't want to get caught in fire and brimstone and miss it.

The 10-day weather forecast is looking decent. Judgment Day looks cloudy in the AM with a maelstrom of locust throughout the afternoon. The rest of the week they're expecting mid to high 60s in the the Bay Area. Dress in layers.

Oprah's final show was taped yesterday (will air 5/25) and guests included Madonna, Beyonce, Aretha Franklin, Josh Groban, Stevie Wonder and so on and so on. Not even the Rapture will keep me from watching this historical farewell.

I'm wondering if these last days before the apocalypse will be filled with merriment and productivity as some choose to complete everything on their bucket list. #sorryisaidbucketlist

After the Rapture, California might actually be able to push through this gay marriage law. That is, if the legislature isn't swallowed whole by the earth.

I'm not sure zombies will roam the earth after Saturday but if they do, and if I've learned nothing from watching zombie movies, it's that I need to shoot these suckers in the head and to not have any sex scenes or, along with the other sluts and black guys, my brains will surely be eaten before the credits roll.

Let's say the end days don't happen the day after tomorrow. I'm willing to forget about the whole mess and the wild accusations in exchange for the believers of this claim not committing mass suicide. I say we all just have a chuckle Sunday morning and see if we can't get their jobs back come Monday.

I saw Jesus at lunch and asked him about this Judgment Day business. He didn't know what I was talking about, he didn't even seem to understand. Thanks for nothing Mr. Gonzales.
I'm a little saddened that Family Radio and their Christian fundamentalist followers are able to usurp predictions for Armageddon when the Mayans have already forewarned of our demise. I can only muster so many freak-out moments and I choose to lose my shit in 2012.

I can understand why some people do not want to celebrate the end times this Saturday. But I cannot fathom the idea of someone not reveling at the thought of Mike Seaver (Kirk Cameron) leaving this earth forever.

I attended a heated HOA meeting this week. Of course misuse of the garbage chute and laundry facility abuse were on the docket. But as a group we couldn't come to an agreement on a noise curfew. I'm sure Carolyn in 205 is thankful that she'll be raptured up to heaven this weekend, not having to endure another day of the loud music emitted from her neighbors down the hall.

From the "Post Rapture Looting Event": When everyone is gone and god's not looking, we need to pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we're going to squat in.

I'm hoping that whatever happens to me tomorrow, heaven or hell on earth, my barber will be with me. No one fades like him.

For sale or trade: 2003 Toyota Hybrid with commuter stickers and excellent MPG. Will trade for large end-of-days-proof amphibious dump truck with cattle-zombie catcher or snow plow, razor-sharp fencing side panels, infrared light rack, flame-throwing hubcaps and leather interior. Title must be clear. Serious inquiries only.

Zombies in Colma, a city with more occupied graves than living residents, are going to have it rough after Judgment Day. With 2-3 undead for every man, woman and child, I'm afraid there aren't going to be enough brains to go around.

Still confusing Judgment Day with the end-of-days? Think of it like the Titanic. This Saturday, the Saved will be like the noble English folk who are sent away on life rafts while the scurvy-ridden Irishmen sinners are left to die aboard the ship. Also, the ocean liner takes several months to sink and there's no violin quartet serenading doomed passengers to their watery graves.

If we've learned nothing from David Koresh, Jim Jones and now Harold Camping, it's that no matter the denomination, there are some insane Christians out there who know how to draw a crowd. If only we could harness their power of call-to-action and get someone to clean my gutters.

My prayer last night: Dear Jesus, thank you for allowing your lambs in the graduating class of 2011 to receive their diplomas before the world is plundered on Saturday. Fresh from college, I know it's difficult to find employment and even as the devil rapes me on Judgment Day, I will rest easy knowing new graduates will put their Asian-American Studies and Communication degrees to use in your Heavenly Kingdom. Amen.

I slept so well last night knowing that the hours I've spent playing Plants vs. Zombies, learning Bear Grylls' survival techniques for drinking your own piss and reading The Hunger Games series has prepared me for anything Doomsday might throw my way.

On the off chance that the world doesn't end tomorrow I hope that Harold Camping and his supporters will be forced to remove their roadway signs. Seeing a billboard of a failed Doomsday prediction come and gone is just as ominous as seeing a Dinner For Schmucks (Dinner is Served Summer 2010) poster in the subway when everyone knows it's already on DVD.

Thursday, July 21, 2011