Friday, August 26, 2011

Kitty Letter


The other night I had a visitor on my balcony.  A stray cat.  She kept flirting with me through the window and because I have a soft spot for animals (like a bruised peach), I slid open my rusty screen door and let her in my house.  She spent the next hour sniffing everything, exploring the dusty, hard-to-reach spaces, the closets, the shower and finally hopped up on my bed and kneaded a pillow before circling around and curling up into a ball to sleep.  Later we watched Millionaire Matchmaker and cringed at the bad dates. 


Several hours passed and I realized I had to start knocking on doors around the building to find her home.  I finally discovered her owner, a fusty woman that lives just above me who exclaimed, "Oh, you found Chaussette!  I'm so sorry if she was a bother to you."


The next day I came home to discover that Chaussette had written me the sweetest note (see above).  And indecently,  has better penmanship than most people I know.

It says:

Dear Rxxx,

Thank you so much for the pleasant visit.  I had a very nice time--and you were very hospitable.  I hope I did not over-stay my welcome.

Chaussette, the Upstairs Kitty

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Garden Party!

I just planted kale and Swiss chard in my garden and they are getting eaten up by slugs and other garden critters.  I referred to some online gardening tricks to slaughter these hungry pests and while many of them are effective (i.e. plant plants that repel insects and/or attract natural predators), by the time, for example, a marigold matures, my seedlings will be done for.

My quick fix?  Colt 45 malt liquor.  This is no secret to many seasoned gardeners: Find a lid of some sort (pickle jar cap, shallow dog dish, etc.) and fill it with beer.  When the sun goes down, slugs and other garden devils will come out, drink the beer, get drunk and drown.  Your greens will look healthy and your slugs will be dead.

Exhibit A: My gardening bag

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Rasta Roo

Some weeks ago Jonathan and I received an email from the company that manages our building's HOA stating that there have been several complaints of the smell of pot smoke coming from our unit.  The complete email exchange between the company and myself was actually pretty anti-climatic, though I think I might have finally found some closure on the subject.

Days after we were falsely accused of smoking pot in our unit, Jonathan and I met Rasta Roo.  Rasta Roo (RR) is a Jack Russel Terrier who I've seen scampering up and down the hallway on our floor.  He apparently comes with his owner, visiting our neighbor directly across the hallway.  And they come quite often.

When we met RR, we were leaving the building and also ran into his owner, Gerald.  Gerald is a tall man with long dreaded hair and fingernails, which are also long (but not dreaded).  He wore a lot of beaded jewelry, dark glasses low on his nose, and smelled strongly of skunky-pot perfume. 

Me: I know this dog!

(Rasta Roo runs around my feet and through my legs.  Jonathan gags in the background from strong pot smell.)

Gerald: That's Rasta Roo.  He goes with me everywhere.

Me: Yes, I've seen him upstairs on our floor.

Gerald: Yeah, he's everywhere.  You wanna be his friend on Facebook?  (pulls out business card and hands it to me)  Check him out.

Me: (taking card) Thank you.

(Gerald and Rasta Roo bound up the stairs.  I shoot Jonathan a look.)

Me: Oh my god, could you smell tha--

Jonathan: Uh, yes.

So, in short, I think Rasta Roo is the pot smoker at large and Gerald his dealer.  Finally I can put this to bed.

...but...what is more amazing to me is the business card Gerald gave me which I scanned (front and back).  I felt like it was a gift from above and would like nothing more than to share it with you now (see below).

This scan might be a little hard to read so I've transcribed the text below and included all punctuation and styling when possible.  Here is what it says:

(FRONT)
[picture of Rasta Roo]  

Will You Be My Facebook Friend?  I hope So!

RASTA ROO
USAR #101203532
Therapy / Search & Rescue


Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
The key to unlocking your highest potential


(BACK)

Gerald [last name and phone number]

Scorpio man ISO.....Love, but will accept fun and pleasure......
Preferences: Sensual, MUST be 420 and dog-friendly

Interests:

Dogs
long slow kisses
travel
massages
green lifestyle
sleeping naked
crab
rum
hiking
people watching
walking in the rain/fog
meeting people
pleasing my woman
photography
spooning
red wine
PLEASURE

Post script: I tried to share this gem of a card with Jonathan but he got so grossed out when I started to read the "interests" that he swatted my hand away and said, "I don't want to touch that. Get it away."