Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It's Not In My Vagina!

(I am calling a nurse at Kaiser about some red spots on my skin.)

Nurse: Hello, can I get your first name?

Me: Ryan.

Nurse:  Hello, Ryan, what are you calling about?

Me: I have these spots on my skin and, well, I think I need to see a dermatologist but maybe just the doctor, I don't know.  They're tiny red and itchy spots and I just--

Nurse: Where are the spots?

Me: Oh, uh, they're on my chest and stomach.  About 3 to 4 of them.  Not big, just small and red and I just adopted two kittens from a rescue shelter and they had ringworm.  I've been treating them and it looks like all the ringworm is gone but now I think I might have gotten it.

Nurse: What treatments were you using on them?

Me: A sulfur dip.

Nurse: Okay, and are your spots crusted over and oozing?

Me: Oh, no!  They are just red and itchy.  It looks more like acne but just a few bumps.  And itchy.  I've been putting Tinactin on them.

Nurse: Okay, that's good.  Tinactin is on my protocol sheet.  You can also use--

Me: Let me ask you something, when I took the kittens to the veterinarian, she said that heat could kill ringworm and that we should put any bedding or scratching posts they've touched in your car and then park the car in the sun for an afternoon.  What if I laid out?

Nurse:  Excuse me?

Me: What if I laid out, like in the sun?  Sunbathed.  Do you think that might work for what I've got?

Nurse:  I don't know.  With vaginal infections, you know, where it's real moist and doesn't get much light, there's a lot of fungus and I would imagine that drying that out in the sun could help with the fungus that grows there.

Me: It couldn't hurt could it?  I mean, at the very least I'd get a tan.

Nurse:  Yes, but you shouldn't expose yourself to too much sun.

Me: Oh, I know.  Of course.

Nurse:  But again, in the case of a vaginal infection, treatments could take a few weeks before you see signs of improvement.  So, if there was a back yard, or maybe your roof, where you could sunbathe in private, it might be worth a shot.  Theoretically it could work and would likely kill the fungus that causes vaginal discomfort, but it's not proven.

Me:  You know I don't have a vagina, right?

Nurse:  Yes.

Me:  Just checking.