Friday, August 23, 2013

Dear French Connection

From the archives, a letter, now updated, I wrote to French Connection from 7/2/09:



Dear French Connection United Kingdom,

Recently, my son Buckley turned 13 and received a gift from his mother's newest lover, Drew (eye roll).  Drew gave him one of your French Connection Ts that Buckley seems to adore (I can't understand why).  The shirt is a dark navy color and across the front are the letters 'F' and then 'C' and then 'U' followed by 'K'.  I can see that the arrangement of those letters closely resemble a foul word which I will not rewrite here.  And I don't care for it.  Not my cup of 'T', if you know what I mean...I wouldn't wear a cuss-word-shirt like that is what I'm getting at.

I only get to see Buckley every other weekend during the school year and every second and fifth weekend (if that month happens to have five weekends) in the summer.  I have a very strained relationship with Angie (my soon-to-be-former wife...don't ask, okay) and this Drew, who has a ponytail and a panther tattoo on his neck (which to a 13 year old, must seem pretty "cool").  It's not enough to be a father now-a-days, you have to stick a bone through your nose to get your kid to respect you.

I telephoned Drew and told him how disgusted I am that he would think it was okay to give a young boy a shirt with an expletive, or what could be misconceived as an expletive (by me, for example).  Then Drew told me maybe I needed to get F-C-U-Ked a little more often, "Loosen up, man", he said, which did not help matters.

I ask you, why would anyone want that on their shirt?  FCUK?  It's like I wake up and say, "Good morning," to my Maine Coon and then, "FCUK YOU SSA HOLE MOHTER FCUKER DIKCHEAD," (cats can't read thank god).  Not too pleasant if you ask me.  

I understand your company is responsible for starting many popular trends.  As a concerned parent, I implore you to consider the kids who might respond to your branding, thinking they're promoting French Connection when they are really showing favoritism for subliminal smut.

Now Buckley thinks I'm not cool (which I assure you I can be) and refuses to get rid of this stupid shirt.  In fact, he has made his own enhancements, cutting off the sleeves and with a white-out pen written the word "Yeah" (with an exclamation point) after the "K" which, in my opinion is much worse than before.

Very Kindly,

Mr. RJ Jones
 

HOA: Bottom Lines and Long Stories

Recent email regarding a broken garage door from Dog Lady, the busy body of the building who is often grumpy and apparently has lots of bottom lines and long stories:

Susan :

As I am sure you know the day didn't go that great. Long story but R&S Door didn't get here until after 11:30 long story that I am not willing to go into right now. Bottom line is that our transmitter is going out and not picking up the signals and the Government took over a lot of lines. So bottom line we have to have a new-up-to-date transmitter installed. Next everyone has to buy a new opener that you can only buy from R&S the cost will be anywhere from $30.00 to $36.00. The complete system will cost $915.00 also, we have to buy a lot which is 25 don't ask that is what I was told. Bottom line they will not let anyone buy individually it has to be billed to SLPM making sure they get their money.

Long story but with the old remotes he said jiggle the battery until it hits the pin and it should be ok. He tightened the transmitter and assured me that it would be fine for a while.
...
Its a long story but the bottom line is I am really up-set about the no show and the idea that we are buying into something that we can get from only this one person (company). But I guess since these things last forever it may be ok. No questions he advised that their was another company but do not buy from them as they fail they said they tested them themselves and all four failed.

 Dog Lady

Tuesday, August 20, 2013