Friday, May 23, 2014

Not Awesome Shirt

At the university today, we were told to dress up for graduation.  Stephen in my office wore a shirt that looks like something torn from the pages of a 90s International Male catalog.  I gave him and his shirt a double-take (in a bad way) when I came in this morning.

The offending shirt is a white, collared, half button-up and half lace-up atrocity.  There are black epaulet-type color blocking on the shoulders, and a useless cord that buckles from from the upper torso, goes over the sleeve, and connects in the back of the shirt.  It's all very puzzling. 

I desperately tried to take a picture of it but was unsuccessful.  Instead, I drew a picture (below).


(I walk by Stephen's desk and there's a small crowd of office workers; Jeff, Linda, and Thai, talking to him about his shirt.  I stop to listen.)

Jeff: Yeah, man, I'm gonna have to borrow that shirt!  It's so interesting.  Really neat-o!

Linda: I just love that cord thing.  What does it do?

Stephen: Nothing really, just hangs there and looks cool I guess.

Jeff: It's kinda military, like you're really official and (whispers) bad ass.

Stephen: Thank you.  I've never worn it.  Thought it was cool.  Bought it, you know.

Linda: Now, can you lace it up tight or do you just leave it open?

Stephen: Either.  It looks more dressy laced up I guess. (tugs on ends of laces, tightens collar)

Jeff, Linda, Thai: Ooohhh!

Thai: That looks like something you would wear, RJ.

Me: (offended) What?!  Uh, I don't know if I could pull that off.

Linda: I think you could.

Me: No, I mean I don't think I could get it off.  There are just lots of things to do on that shirt and I don't know--to get it on do you pull it over your head and then button it up?  Or, unlace, put it on, button, lace again?  Like, Criss Angel couldn't get out of that.  What if you're late for something and you can't change?  You're held prisoner?  Too much going on. 

Thai: (aside, to Jeff) Who's Criss Angel?

Linda: Really? It's a pretty awesome shirt.

Me: You think so?

Linda: You don't think so?

Me: No, it's a, uh nice for Stephen.  You know, it reminds me of one of those tactile or skill-test boards for kids.

Jeff: What are you talking about?

Me: When you want to teach a kid to tie his shoe or buckle a belt, you give them this board thing and they can zip, and tie, and buckle. 

Jeff: You're so mean!

Me: I mean, yes, it's a fine shirt and hey, Stephen, you look great in it.  Well done.  Final answer: I love it!  It's a really, great and nice shirt for wearing to places.

Linda: Well, we love it!  Really great shirt.

BLACKOUT


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Taffy and the Hottie

(The office was closed on Monday.  Tuesday morning, Taffy is talking loudly near my desk to coworker, Allison.)

Taffy: I know, right?  These four-day weeks are worse than the full five-day week.  And it's only Monday and, urgh, I'm so tired.

Allison: It's Tuesday.

Taffy: But it's the first day of the week so it's like a Monday.

Allison: I guess.  Let's get coffee and a pastry.

(I stand up to stretch and eavesdrop.  Taffy sees me.)

Taffy: Are we talking to loud?

Me: Huh?  No, just seventh inning stretch.

Taffy: (not laughing) You're so funny.  Wanna get a hot tea with us?

Me: What did you call me?

Taffy: ...

Me: I'm kidding.  You said hot tea, like hottie, I thought you were getting fresh.

Taffy: (laughing) That is so funny!  Hot tea!  Do you want one?

Me: I'm okay, thanks.

(Taffy and Allison leave and come back later with tea and donuts.  Taffy stops by my desk.)

Taffy: You know that hot tea sounds like hottie, like a hot guy or something, like, ohh, he's a hottie?

Me: (side eye) Yes, that's what I was saying.

Taffy: Oh, is that what you were trying to say?  Hot tea?  Hottie?  Oh!

Me: Yes.  What were you laughing at before?

Taffy: I don't know.  I just laugh at things for no reason.

Me: Well, it's wasn't really funny.

Taffy: I thought it was.  Donut?  (thrusts donut in my face)

Me: No thank you.

BLACKOUT