Friday, June 27, 2014

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

(I'm training a new student who is working in our office for the summer.  She is a sloucher, rolls her eyes at nearly everything, and is a tough audience.)

Me: (looking onto spreadsheet) This is all pretty simple.  You just have to make sure these numbers add up to these numbers.  See?

Student: Okay.

Me: Then just make two copies of each page.  Like Noah's Ark.  But they're not going to procreate later.  (pause for reaction that doesn't come) One for us.  One to deposit.  Simple, right?

Student: Okay.

Me: (pointing at spreadsheets) So, here, to summarize, match this to this, Noah's Ark, one for us, one to deposit.  One giraffe, needs another giraffe.  Got it?

Student: What are you talking about?  

Me: Noah's Ark.  Two of everything.  He brought two of each animal in the world aboard a ship to save them from a flood.

Student: Every animal?  I haven't seen it.

Me: No, it's in the Bible, a story in the Bible.

Student: Oh.  I was raised Buddhist.

(Later in the training.)

Me: Do you have any plans this weekend?

Student: No, not really.

Me: Going out to dinner?  Maybe seeing a movie? 

Student: No.

Me: Nothing?

Student: I'm watching Friends on Netflix.

Me: Friends, the TV show?

Student: (plainly) Yes.  It's funny.

Me: Do you think Ross is funny?

Student: Yes, he's pretty funny.

Me: What about Joey and Chandler?

Student: They're funny.

Me: And Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe?

Student: I like them all.

Me: How did you get into that show?

Student: I like old shows.  My mom watched it.

Me: What other old shows do you like?

Student: (thinking) Um....just Friends.

(Later still in the training.)

 Me: Have you tried the Thai place on campus?

Student: No.  I just go to Joe's [deli] and get a sandwich.

Me: I haven't been there.  Any recommendations? 

Student: You want to know what I eat?

Me: I'm just wondering if you had a favorite sandwich.  Maybe I'll try it out.

Student: I like the menage et tois.

Me: What's in that?

Student: I don't know, like meat and cheese, I guess.

Me: Three kinds of meat, three kinds of cheese?

Student: Sure.

Me: I saw they have a Pee-Wee Herman sandwich.  Have you tried that?

Student: No.

Me: It's probably Mr. T breakfast with bacon.

Student: In a sandwich?  Gross.

Me: It's from his movie, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure?  He eats bacon and eggs and then pours Mr. T cereal on it.

Student: I don't know what that stuff is.

Me: Pee-Wee?

Student: No. What's that?

Me: Pee-Wee is a grown man that wears a bow tie and acts kind of like a kid, or, um, a goofy guy that's funny, he talks in a weird voice.  Maybe like a Mr. Bean?

Student: Who?

(Even more later.)

Me: Robyn is in concert his weekend.  Do you know her?  Probably not.

Student: No.

Me: She's a singer and--who do you like?

Student: No one.

Me:  You don't listen to any music?

Student: Air Supply.

Me: Really!?

Student: Do you know them?

Me: Of course.  Is your mom a fan of them?

Student: Yes.

Me: Do you have a favorite song?

Student: Um...I like Making Love.

Me: Excuse me?

Student: Making Love Out of Nothing at All?

Me: Yes, yes, yes, I love that song.

Student: Okay.

Me: Any other songs?

Student: Um...no.  Just that one.

Me: So it's just Friends and one Air Supply song?

Student: Yes.

Me: No Pee-Wee or Noah's Arc or Robyn?

Student: No.

Me: We should hang out.

Student: Why?

Me: I was kidding.

Student: Okay.

BLACKOUT

 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Taffy Drinks a Bubble Tea


(I'm walking out of the office and in walks Taffy holding a bubble tea.)


Taffy: Oh, you're here.

Me: That is true. Careful drinking and walking with that bubble tea.

Taffy: (takes a sip, chews on tapioca ball) I nearly choked on the way back to the office!

Me: On the the tapioca balls?

Taffy: Yes!  These things are dangerous.  Just look at the size of these straws!  The balls just come shooting out like a cannon and you can gag.

Me: Don't you control how fast you drink it?  You shouldn't be choking.

Taffy: I can kinda control it, I guess.  Normally, I just try to drink the liquid part and then just dump the bubbles into my mouth and chew on those afterwards.  Otherwise you're drinking, drinking, drinking, and then chew, chew, chew. 

Me: Or, drinking, drinking, drinking, choking, choking, choking. 

Taffy: That too.  Why do they make these?

Me: You're buying them.

Taffy: Yes, but drinking and chewing at once is strange. 

Me: Well, I can't argue with that.  It's a hazard, really.

Taffy: You're telling me.

BLACKOUT

Monday, June 9, 2014

Freak-a Tikka Masala

(At a hole-in-the-wall Indian restaurant, I am eating dinner alone, drinking a mango lassi.  An Indian man in a silk shirt and a ponytail approaches my table.  He is wide-eyed, intense, and speaks with a thick accent.)

Man: How did you find us?

Me: Hello?  Uh, what?

Man: Did someone tell you?

Me: Tell me what?

Man: Where to find us?

Me: Find the restuarant?

Man: Of course.  Are people talking about us and you found us?

Me: Uh, no, I just drove by and wanted Indian.  Then I stopped.  And came inside.  Sat here.

Man: Are you from the area?

Me: No, I'm here for business.  I'm staying at the Holiday Inn up the road.

Man: I see.  Shall I give you posters for others?

Me: To do what now?

Man: Or menus?  You can take them to your hotel.

Me: Oh, I, uh, yes, I guess I could take some.

Man: I am the owner.  I like to know if my guests are enjoying our food.  Are you enjoying your meal?  It is good, yes?

Me: Yes, yes, it's very good.

Man: I want people to know we are here.  If you like us, you can tell your friends.

Me: Okay, yes, I can tell people about this place.

Man: You like the lassi?

Me: Yes.  It's nice.  Very thick.

Man: You don't want it thick? (reaches for drink to take away)

Me: No, it's good and I'm going to drink it just like this.

Man: Okay.  Thank you for coming.  We are so happy you are here.

Me: Thank you.

Man: Thank you.

(Man backs away slowly nodding and smiling.  Disappears in kitchen, does not return.)

BLACKOUT