Friday, October 24, 2014

EMERGENCY IN TURKEY!!!

My parents' email account was hacked this morning and as you can imagine I'm very concerned.


SUBJECT: TRIP!!!
TO: Ryan Jones
FROM: J--- M-- Jones

I really hope you get this fast. I could not inform anyone about My trip to Istanbul, Turkey, Am in Turkey to see my ill cousin she is suffering from Kidney disease and must undergo Kidney transplant to save her life the condition is critical.

Kidney transplant is very expensive here, so i want to transfer her back home to have the surgery implemented. I really need to take care of this now but my credit card can't work here. I traveled with little money due to the short time I had to prepare for this trip and never expected things to be the way it is right now. I need a loan of $2,950 USD from you and I'll reimburse you at my return. I will really appreciate whatever amount you can come up with, if not all get back to me. I'll advise on how to transfer it.



SUBJECT: This is totallyTRIPPY!!!
TO: J--- M-- Jones
FROM: Ryan Jones

MOM!!!

Your email is such a total shock!!! I want to do whatever you ask of me because your news caught me off guard at 4 a.m. while I was asleep dreaming of American imperialism.

Are you able to find a doctor on the black market? Can I send you money for that? It may be cheaper than bringing this mystery cousin home. I'm so scared!! AND it's almost Halloween and I haven't decided on a costume. That's more scary.  I will be judged.  I'm thinking of being Alfred Hitchcocker-Spaniel or maybe something more racy like Dora the Transplorer. What do you think?

I'm waiting for directions. Please bring back this cousin and some Turkish Coffee (that stuff is like heavenly sludge)!

Your sweet and tender son,
Ryan


SUBJECT: Bring it Kini!!!
TO: J--- M-- Jones
FROM: Ryan Jones

Mom,

What is going on?!!??! How can we send you money?! I haven't been able to sleep since I got your news.  I was also up late watching the Project Runway finale and Kini really brought the drama!!!

We have a cousin in Turkey?! What a shock!? What is her name? Is it easy to pronounce? Is it Nilgun or Mullrat or something strange and alien like that? I can't wait to meet her and smell her foreign odors. Talk about Turkish Delight!! 

Can I wire you money? I need very, very specific instructions.

Not breathing and waiting for your response,

Ryan


SUBJECT: RE: TRIP!!!
TO: Ryan Jones
FROM: J--- M-- Jones

Glad you replied back, You can have it wire to my name via any Western Union outlet I'll show my passport as ID to pick it up here,I promise to refund it back as soon as we arrive back home. Here's the info you need:

NAME = Jess Jones
Address: Ebusuud Street 18 Sirkeci, Fatih, Istanbul 34210, Turkey
STATE = Istanbul
COUNTRY = Turkey

As soon as it has been done, kindly get back to me with the MTCN confirmation number.Let me know once you are heading to a western union outlet...

I owe you a Lot..


SUBJECT: Bring it Kini!!!
TO: J--- M-- Jones
FROM: Ryan Jones

Oh DAD!

I thought it was Mom emailing since you share an account and never write me. Is Mom with you? I'm so confused and in a total panic! I've already sweated through nine layers of thermal underwear, six alpaca wool socks, fourteen Icelandic Banshee hand-knit sweaters and a pair of Ugg Boots--all in this San Francisco summer!  URGH!  My head is not on straight thinking about this mystery cousin with the bum kidney.

I am going to try to get you money as soon as I can!!  I may need to borrow from my "roommate" Jonathan. There may be a snag there as we had a tiff last night and he made me sleep on the couch (where I normally sleep all the time and not in the bed with Jonathan). 

Thank you for all the information written out in what looks like equations. If you hadn't told me what your name "equals" I may have written some fake name, the money wouldn't have gotten to you, mystery cousin's kidney would have exploded--WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED!!

I am going to get a PSL right now and then have to think about how I'm going to transfer you funds. Is $2,950 the price for the airline ticket?  That seems kind of high.  Did you check Orbitz, Priceline, or Travelocity?  I think you might need to do a little more research. In the meantime, can I give you $1,000 and a Target Gift Card?  It's all I have in my wallet at the moment.

Where are you right now? How did you get to Turkey?  As an American I can't even point to it on a map...but one day I hope to.  Be safe and hang tight Daddy-O! Money is on the way. I've never wired money.  Do people still do that? What do I know?

Your (not gay) son,

Ryan


SUBJECT: RE: TRIP!!!
TO: Ryan Jones
FROM: J--- M-- Jones

Okay, you can go ahead so kindly get back to me with the western union confirmation number Asap..

I await your quick response..


SUBJECT: I broke a nail and I'm fine with it!
TO: J--- M-- Jones
FROM: Ryan Jones

Dearest Daddy,

I just came back from Western Union and wired you $1000.  Here's the exact information you should need to get my hard-earned/borrowed money:

ME = Not Gay
MTCN Confirmation = 9871282000 or 98712820138
STATE = Totally insane
COUNTRY = America #1

I'm not sure of the last two numbers. I spilled some of my PSL on it. I have to go back to Western Union and see if I can get the receipt reprinted. I'm so sorry, please keep awaiting for my quick response...I'll try to be as quick as a Turkish hand job (whatever that means).

Love you (but in a manly, I-think-we-should-go-hunting, kind of way),

Ryan


SUBJECT: I've Heard Turks Eat Pigeons
TO: J--- M-- Jones
FROM: Ryan Jones

Dad (Baba),

I've been calling everyone; one friend--EVERYONE, for money. I'm scrambling here to get you money as fast as I can. I think I may try to sell my Prius at lunch. Hoping I can find a stupid foreigner who will give me his money without asking a lot of questions. Then I have to go to Western Union to see if they can sort out this PSL stain debacle on the receipt so I can get you that darn MTCN confirmation number.

How are you? How is the cousin? So much drama! I know you're not in touch with your feminine side and able to gauge your feelings, but I think you need a hug. Is there someone nearby in a tunic that could squeeze some emotion out of you? Speaking of, regarding my previous comment about being "as quick as a Turkish hand job"...that was very inappropriate of me to say and I hope it didn't make you feel uncomfortable. But, I did some digging and found out where that phrase comes from. Senem (real spelling), a Turkish girl in my office who used to be Musilm but speaks like a former Catholic, says that men in Turkey have the smallest penises in the world. We're talking dehydrated gherkins, here! I'll leave you to connect the dots.

BABA =  Dad (In Turkish)
WORRIED = ABOUT YOU

Ryry


SUBJECT: Do I disappoint you because I like ballet? 
TO: J--- M-- Jones
FROM: Ryan Jones

Dad,

Did you get the $1000 I wired? I haven't heard from you. I'm awaiting your quick response because I have nothing better to do.

Can I PayPal you funds for Cousin It's plane ticket? Why won't your credit card work in Turkey? Did a Turkish Devil demagnetize it with foreign witchcraft? I'm really freaking out here. Everyone is so worried (my one friend and I).  Please write me back. Or call me. Don't they have phones there? Maybe sneak into a kiosk when everyone is doing their afternoon prayer and dial away!  Remember, you owe me a lot! Your words, not mine.

Ryan

Updated as of 10/24/14, 12:12 p.m.