Friday, March 27, 2015

Taffy Makes A Call

(I walk by Taffy's cubicle to ask her something.)

Me: Hey, are you planning on going to--

(Taffy holds up index finger, signaling me to wait a minute. She's on the phone.)

Taffy: Hello? Hello. Hi, hi, I was just wondering if you were open late tonight? ... Really? ... Are all your other locations open, too? ...  Okay, ... yeah, I'm so glad to hear it. ... Oh my god, thank you so much. That makes my day!

Me: Were you just calling an ice cream parlor or something?

Taffy: I was!

Me: Really?

Taffy: Is that okay? 

Me: Yes, I just thought you were calling a dry cleaner or a hair salon or on an important phone call. 

Taffy: Ice cream is important.

Me:  I suppose it is.

BLACKOUT

Friday, March 20, 2015

You Don't Want to Go There

I am in my smallish hometown running errands for my dad, who has recently broken his leg. One stop on my list is a DMV office, which I cannot find. Feeling frustrated, I stop to ask for directions.

(Afternoon, I step into a small office. There is brass and glass and wooden paneling covering nearly every surface but the popcorn stucco treatment on the ceiling. Five desks with workers are scattered around the area, each pushed up against its own cordoned off area, separated by thin cubicle walls. A Steve Winwood song plays quietly on a radio. At the front desk, sits a woman with a hairdo that reeks of hairspray and intention. She wears red-framed glasses positioned low on the nose.)

Receptionist: Hello. May I help you?

Me: Yes, I'm looking for the DMV or a small DMV office. I've been walking around these blocks for 20 minutes. I don't have an address, just a description from my dad.

Receptionist: Hmmm, lemme think. There's not a DMV office around here. You might want to try [the next town over]. You just have to get on the freeway and go--

Me: I know where that DMV is but the wait is awful. My dad says there's one around here, across from the funeral home near a tow truck place. I couldn't find anything.

Receptionist: (slowly, removing glasses) Oh, I see. (calling) Rebecca!

(Out comes Rebecca, with long, squared-off French tip nails, wearing head to toe power denim.)

Receptionist: (to Rebecca, through gritted teeth) He's asking about that one place that does the DMV stuff.

Rebecca: Oh honey, you don't want to go there. That's for people that need (lowering voice) ...translation.

Me: Translation? Like Berlitz?

Rebecca: Like (hushed)...Hispanics.

Me: You mean people who speak Spanish? That's a big population of people here.

Rebecca: I wouldn't send you there.

Me: Okay. Do you know where it is? My dad knows a guy there. Sergio?

Receptionist: Who's your dad?

Me: J--- Jones.

Receptionist: Your dad is J--- Jones?

Me: Yes.

Receptionist: And he asked you to go to that place?

Me: Sure. Can you just tell me where it is?

Rebecca: I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Me: I'm not worried about...translation. Is it a drug front or something?

Rebecca: Trust us. It's not for you.

BLACKOUT

FOOTNOTE: I leave the small office, find and ask a Mexican man about the DMV place. He personally walks me alongside a tire shop, down a short gravel driveway, through a chained-linked fence to a small office with a sign that reads Automotive Services. I thank the man and find Sergio, who greets me with a cupped, two-handed handshake.

Sergio works for the DMV and has opened his small regional DMV outpost as a service for area Spanish-speakers, and anyone else in the know. The office is legit and as far as I'm concerned,  a heaven-sent from the regular activity and culture of the DMV.
 

Friday, March 13, 2015

What's The 411?

I've recently joined an online community board for my (small) hometown. The posts are telling of the area culture and it amuses me to no end. Names of people who have posted these comments not provided.


There is a huge pervert that hangs out in safeway by the name of brian, he is an older guy. Always wears a baseball cap and long hair. He mainly is at starbucks. Please be cautious if you go there. He has already sexually harassed workers and patrons and no safeway really isn't taking care of the problem. Be carefull!

Is anyone interested or know anyone who is interested in some free fish? They are for a freshwater tank (not saltwater). My fish have had babies and they are overrunning my tank. The babies are platy and swordfish. I don't want to give them to the pet stores because they won't guarantee they won't be used as feeder fish (to feed other larger fish). Thanks.

Today we gotta text from our neighbor saying a white skinny druggie looking guy was walking past my house and stopped and took a picture of our new truck in our side yard hmm??

Looking for a tattoo artist here in town with or without a shop to do a cross on my arm for a friend who passed away

Anyone here have a recommendation for a TV antenna? We are thinking of canceling our Dish service, but we want to make sure we can get Fox for sports

Does anyone know the name of the new Thai restaurant

Is something burning. I can smell it

Does anybody know where I can get tinting my car here??

If you live near [the park] and are missing a chicken, there is one that has made herself at home in my neighbor's backyard.

Parents-please have a talk with your kids about the dangers of car surfing. Last week [my husband] witnessed this happening in the High School parking lot and another parent pulled their car in front of this car and stopped them. 30 minutes ago, I witnessed this behind my house at the park. The kid was standing on top of a truck as the driver proceeded to burn off and weave around all while accelerating. Yes, I did call the police.

Who makes the best butterscotch pie? Need for a friend. 

The guy that worked last night at 7-11 is a thief. He tried to steal [Jackie Griffin's] phone. Right off the counter, turned it off and hid it behind the counter. Then he tried to say that the guy who just checked out must have taken it. Brittany went behind the counter and found. We will be calling his manager and 7-11 corporate and getting him fired. But until then please be careful if you chose to go into that store. But I suggest no one in town goes there anymore.

Found pair of glasses, on walking path that leads from [the high school] to the water tower. About 100 ft from water tower, about a foot off path, on the other side of the path from the little rose garden. The pair of glasses seem a bit small, maybe a child's pair?

Monday, March 2, 2015

Such a Wreck

My parents were in a gnarly car accident that put them both in the hospital. Now home with them, I, along with a lot of other people, am helping them get back on their feet. Neither are currently mobile but on the mend, my dad with his sense of humor in tact.

(Morning. I'm packing ice on my dad's legs.)

Me: You shouldn't keep these ice packs on too long, just enough to help with swelling.

Dad: That's fine.

Me: Do you need coffee?

Dad: I'm okay.

Me: Water? An orange? 

Dad: (wiggling toes) My foot itches. 

(I start to scratch his foot.)

Me: This is a day of firsts; I get to scratch your foot, I put on Mom's underwear--

Dad: Well, are you going to take them off, give them back to Mom?

Me: That's a fair question.

BLACKOUT


UPDATE: My mom complained to me tonight. I'd put her underwear on her (being careful with phrasing) backwards.